No day but today

new LJ. http://landlockedfool.livejournal.com/
Add me there.

Yesterday i went to statequals. i was thinking it was gunna suck cause i really didnt feel perpaired. but i had alot of fun.my first speech went crappy but after that it was ok. Hanging out with the debater kids was also alot of fun, i need more friends like that smart. interesting, and funny. the people i have been hanging out with lately are ether dumb as a dornail (i.e. hayes) or just burned out and annoying (i.e. cody and bobby). so i need new friends. new friends=new fun.

i went to this party last night in forestville and it was really fun. They had two of those huge sminoff bottles. i didnt mean to get drunk, but whoops.

my brother parked his car to much in the street last night and then came inside and passed out. i tried to tell him that bgut he was out, so it go towed by the police. hahaha

i am in history now and mr.hopfer keeps walking by and i have to hide it
hahahaha
not much is new i got grounded on friday, damn it
i am stillgoing to tahoe on sat and sunday my mom said i could mabye bring a friend

i would love to lay in my bed under all those white blankets and glowing light through the top, smoking out of that pretty pipe and keeping a nice smoth high, with some bright eyes playing soft in the backround eveyonce in awhile.
i have to go get a blood test tmorrow.

I want you back in my life
I want you back in my life
I want you back in my life
I want you back in my life
I want to lay down in his bed, caress his faces, breath in that smell i have been longing for, and wisper "I want you back in my life" into his ear while he sleeps, i want to see his smiling sleeping face, and to kiss his face and fall into his arms and fall into sleep.

so today before therapy i was in Santa Rosa and i went down to this flooding creek and i took some pictures up on the little road but i needed to get closer for some good pictures. so i grabbed onto a tree and stepped down and i slipped and i was covered in mud and almost fell into the creek and then i tried to get back up and fell three times and finally stubled back to my feet. i thought it was reallly funny until i looked down at my camera. my lens is covered in mud, it was my nice one, the one i got for my birthday last year.there is a UV cover on it so the acual lense will probably be ok but there might be mud on a mirror in the lense, i just want to go out and take pictures and i can't.

therapy sucked, my dad said i am not doing anything, that i am a failure, and he is so right.

i just woke up, at 2:30. waking up tmorrow is going to be a pain in the ass.
i have cramps from hell, and i am getting sick andlosing my voice.
i have stupid history homework to do.
crap.
blah.

New Years Resolution- Be more honest, which includes but does not protatin to, breaking up with mike(im only lieing to him),tell him how i feel, and yea more. haha

last night was fun i went to hannahs and partied, also mike came over and tried to get in my pants, i was like uhh no way.

haha

fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
saw bareback mountain today, he couldn't tell him how much he loved him before he died, and i worrie, if i stay with this lie will he ever know how i really feel.

dugs....crap

Now as I run through tha trees with my infiltry
I got my M16 and my artilary
I got my full blooded soldiers in tha back of me
And a bullet proof vest and I'm hopin I don't have to see
now will it work in tha line of fire
Or will a nigga die in tha line of fire
I'ma bust my gunz till my clips retire
America pray cuz I don't wanna expire
I'ma soldier


I'ma U.S. mother fuckin soldier boy
Playin around with them army toys
You wanna go to war then we can go to war
See W.Bush he sent us over boy
Them men all went and got some soldier toys
Put 'em in a battle and we'll showed you boys
That army fatigue we gonna make some noise
And blow that mother fucker from shore to shore



With bullets wizzin by, children dyin every 36 seconds
It makes it uncomfortable for me to even respect this
With this focused brain I can take myself away from pain
Turn me into rain, sprinkle it upon all of us in vein
I'm the one that was sent to make sure the sun will always shine
Try to determin the evil and good all in my twisted mind
Hopefully, this just might be the one that reaches to the world
And make a safer place to play for all our little boys and girls
Cuz I'm a soldier don't get it twisted
Get your wig split
Fifty millimeter shells aiming for the terrorist
Must have missed cuz they still comin with some big shit
Osama fucked up real deep and there ain't no time to fix it
He better be off the planet, two light years passed the moon
Rode on a magic carpet satellites gonna find him soon
He's probaly already dead fuckin with tha U.S.A
But if not he better not bring his ass up in tha bay


Let me hear tha sound of tha soldiers
I said let me hear tha sound of tha soldiers
Juicy J tha soldier boy
The marines ain't no punk and you know we keep grenades and AK's in the trunk
With Iraq we be buck, we be fightin and we stomp
With our fist, with our feet, we be ready when you jump
We don't hide behind mask like a terrorist my nigg
Just so you know who tha real fuckin cowards is.


worried♥

We left before the dust had time to settle
And all the broken glass swept off the avenue
Ana all the way home held your camera like a bible
Just wishing so bad that it held some kind of truth

And I stood nervous next to you in the dark room
You dropped the paper in my water
And it all begins to bloom

Picture, Picture, lie to me tell me somthing fake,, tell me im lovely, tell me he does love me, picture please be somthing real

i wish tonight never happened. i wish it was a nightmare, i wish this school year was all a nightmare, i wish it was summer and i was laying on his couch cudling with him and playing with his hair as we fall asleep, when things weren't so lost, when we could just lay without speaking, talking with our bodies, i rarely say it to him but he knows how much i love him, and he has confesed in secrecy to how he feels for me, i want to go back to those moments, to live in them over and over as i do in my mind.

i went on my boat on monday with my brother, stephanie, and sean. it was really fun things where simple and fun. i felt just free.

sean shipped out to the army yesterday, im so worried about him, i just hope he comes back in one piece.

last night rocco, chris, alison, and harry came over last night and we where drinking, but not much, except me i was drunk as fuck, and i almost made out with rocco but he didn't wnat to "take advantage" cause i was drunk, i was likeuhh ok.

oh well.

i saw nick, maddy, sarah, and riche yesterday and i was soo happy to see them. they had just got back from san diego andc had seen david and stuff and i was sad i didn't get to see him.

i think i am going to break up with mike.
acually im positive i am i just have to figure out how

mabye the reason i am so unhappy is that no one knows me, no one knows me cause i lie to everyone. i try to stop lieing but i can't. and then no one can tell and it hurts me. but how are they supposed to be able to tell if all i do is lie?

Chirstmas is blah. I got way more then i asked for for x-mas and i felt idk selfish, i was just glad i got to spend time with my family. my brother and i hung out for awhile and it was really fun, it was great usually we can't go more then 5 minutes without fighting but this time we could just talk and hang and i had a really good time. we were smoking ((ciggerates)) in his car and i told him that i smoke weed alot and stuff and he was like wow if you had told me sooner i would have gotten you a pipe for x-mas and i was like oh well i already have one..... he was like well then mabye i will get you a bubbler and wow that would be soo cool!!! then he said that his girlfriends parents grow weed, i was like omg you should get me some cause i just ran out and there is still more than a week of break, at first he like no way but then finally he said he might. it was mildly ironic last night him and i smoking on the way to church. then today my cousin called and i got to talk to her for awhile it was nice, i might go to france over spring break to vist her, but my mom said i would have to start looking at prices and stuff now, which in understandable. but can you imagine the photography opportunitys!!! so now for the inventory of presents. (whoopdedo)
2 rings
2 braclets
1 jacket
1 pair of slippers
1 pack of condoms, her pleasure condoms (thanks santa)
1 bath kit
1 really pretty necklace
1 nifty manicure set
1 ipod store gift card
1 mirror
2 really cool candel holder with 4 packs of 4 little candels
1 shower clock radio
1 beautiful watch-bracelet set
1 butt ugly scarf
1 1981 boat
wow spoiled brat much?
that last one takes a little bit of explaining, when my brother was 14 he got a truck and for chirstmas he got a horse trailer and i have always wanted a boat to go tubing at lake sonoma and stuff for so for christmas i came into the living room and my brother was opening his gifts there was a key and i was trying to figure out what the key was for and in front of my house was a boat with a big red bow on it!!! its awsome, its all mine, it needs some fixing up but its wonderful.now im hanging out with my mommy watching tv.

im worried about mike and his dad, his dad is really sick and at UCLA Davis. what a sucky christmas.

everyone says i am not going to let people influence me, i am just going to be myself. i wish i could do that but i have no idea who i am, what is being myself? and when i do think i am being myself or i am happy ((on drugs or not)) it pisses people off. i am so scared of my future of what i like or what i what to do.
i don't have any great dream.
i don't have any special talent.
i don't have any interest.
i don't have any work ethic.
im just lost, i feel like such a ghost in life and in high school, you have your over achivers, your druggies, your ghosts, your punks, your goths, your sence kids, your drama freaks, and so on and so forth. i just feel like i am some where between a druggie and a ghost. i have no idea what is supposed to happen in the next 20 years, i just want to at least have some kind of dream, somthing to hope for.

i hate secrets, exspically when i am the one hiding it, when i know not how to tell anyone and if i was going to tell someone how do i explain it? things are just so confusing.

blah.

i haven't updated in awhile. not much it new.

today i had to go to family which sucked.

ThisFleshATomb5: you don't know that, your 14 years old you haven't even lived one fourth of how long most people live, if you died at 60 thats still 46 more years, you have to remember this is a tiny bit of your life, in 4 years things will be so diffrent and you will have control and you can do what makes you happy, you just have to get through now

sometimes i really need to take my own advice, i wish i was better at comforting people, she was already sad and shitty and i said that and for some reason it just made her worse, i was like crap, what now?

i had a really good day, i had fun in history again that class is really enjoyable sometimes and horrible at others. So yea today was good. It kinda sucked though cause mike and meghan where not at school today, i was like wow losers.

tonight i am going to the board meeting at Elmo, they are going to talk about the drug dogs and other stuffs, so it will be pretty cool.